How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
