It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
