I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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