I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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