Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
