Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
