Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
