I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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