my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
