My liver just broke up with me...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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