so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
