No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
