Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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