I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
How external is "for external use only"?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
