He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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