So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
