dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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