saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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