I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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