I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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