Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
