Will you blow on my dice?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
