my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize