Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
