omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
