How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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