There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
