So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
