We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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