finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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