every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
