Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
