Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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