so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
accomplished twins. life is a go
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
