Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
