Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
