i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
