I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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