Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
