I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
