I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
