I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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