I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize