the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
