Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
