I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
