so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
