Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize