Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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