All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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