that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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