Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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