dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
