I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
