just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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