Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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