Plan B is the new Plan A
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
