They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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