can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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