Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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