Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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