Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
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