i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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