I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
