I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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