I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
