Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
